Growing up , the day after Christmas at my house meant cleaning and organizing, and this often lasted through the new year.  We would clean out our closets, ridding our lives of things that were too small or no longer appropriate.  We would make room for the new things -- placing new outfits in the most accessible spot at the front of the closet, putting new toys on the front of our shelves. 

I still have this longing to organize and clean for the new year (my husband does not share this enthusiasm). 

I want to clean out the useless items from our lives, so we can see the important things more clearly.

So I have made a habit of spending some time reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the new one -- setting some goals but also leaving room for the natural unfolding of time. 

Through these years of irregular blogging, I have learned that this blog is really for me.  It helps me reflect, to look back, to remember.  It captures those moments that tend to get lost in memory. But I share it to feel more accountable and to let people into my life (in a small way).  If you are interested in taking a peek inside my life and my mind, go ahead.  If not, I won’t be offended if you move on.

A lot happened in 2011.  Words that I picked for 2011 were Be & Create.  A few weeks into the new year, it became clear to me that the year was going to be about course correction -- and it was.   It turned us around and put us where we wanted and needed to be. 

A look back at 2011:

New House

It began with finding our “just right for us” house.  This happened the day after New Year’s Day (if my memory is correct).  A great start to our year (even though it would take another 2 months to sort everything out). 

This is our first home, and buying it put us in a better financial position.  We can make this mortgage payment even if we choose to make less money.  We want the freedom to choose our jobs and opportunities and not feel like we are trapped  I wanted to continue to stay home with Boddhi, and this keeps us in a position to do that. 

Another bonus is the house fits our personalities nearly perfectly --a quirky, comfortable place.  It looks and feels like us, and we grow into it more every day. 

Through this process of buying a home, I had to grow up a bit.  It forced us both to take a look at our financial lives (past and present) and own up to our choices (not that we have perfected anything -- just aware of it).  It also forced me to face some old ghosts about buying a home -- fears from experiences that weren’t mine, which carried over into other parts of my life.  I am not living my parent’s lives -- I don’t need to carry their issues into my marriage, my finances, my parenting.  It was painful but rewarding to face those demons. 

Time Away

Boddhi and I took a fun (and much needed) trip to Wilmington, NC to spend time with my sister.  The trip came at a very stressful time (in the middle of negotiations on the house), when I was feeling lost and cranky and bitter.  With my sister I was able to slow down and enjoy Boddhi -- watching him discover new things (aquarium trip, the beach, a fun museum, boats on the dock, troll storytime). Being in this new place with him helped me re-discover the joy of parenting, to remember the passion I have for being his mom. 

Got pregnant

We closed on our house (finally) at the end of February and moved in the second week of March. On March 21st (our 8th anniversary), we found out we were pregnant!  Getting pregnant is something we had both been thinking about and discussing for over a year and a half.  We felt a longing to add another little one to our family when Boddhi was around 3, but we were afraid we did not have enough $ -- afraid we were too old, worried about who would be home to take care of the baby (because at the time of our first discussion, I was thinking about accepting a job as a school librarian).  We kept putting it off.  Dude said maybe when he started his dissertation, he could be at home with the baby.  We continued to dream and reflect and wait and wait and wait.  We finally decided to let go of our fears and start trying.  We really wanted to have a Sagittarius (like us), so we were hoping to get pregnant in early March -- which worked out; we got pregnant exactly when we wanted to.   

Being pregnant was difficult for me this time.  I was exhausted for all 9 months.  I did not feel like myself, and I spent  A LOT of time in bed.  When I chose the words BE and CREATE for 2011, I had no idea that they would manifest in the actual physical creation of a tiny, perfect being.  My 2011 was very focused on the physical body -- how I was feeling on a daily basis.  Was I well enough or did I have enough energy to get out -- what was I going to feed myself. I spent a lot of time in bed -- just being, allowing the processes of my body to do what they needed to do.  Not necessarily how I pictured the year unfolding, but a worthy task nonetheless.

Being forced by fatigue to spend time in bed (not doing chores or keeping up the house or cooking for everyone) made me let go of a lot of things I tend to obsess about (a clean house, healthy home-made food).  I became a little less militant (which is a good thing I think), and I found a nice balance (another word on my reflection from last NYE), and Dude and Mike found their way back to the kitchen for cooking and cleaning more often than they had been before.  Another course correction I think.

Pregnancy also brought a needed focus to our marriage -- shrinking things down to the two of us more often -- bringing us together in a shared task (making a healthy, happy baby).  My husband was so good to me, working long hours on his job, his schoolwork, but still finding time to cook me steaks (for iron and protein) and bring me treats and movies to cheer me up.  I treasure the time we spent together and the care I was given during this pregnancy (as I treasure the same when I was pregnant with Boddhi).  I believe this pregnancy gave us an opportunity to realize how much we missed having time to slow down together (with our increasingly busy schedules). 

Job Change

As I said -- this year has definitely been about course correction, and Dude changing jobs this summer helped to make many of those changes possible.  He was working full time (as a high school teacher) and going to graduate school full time.  We saw him rarely, and he was missing out on a lot of things -- parenting delights and duties for example. He started work as the media and public relations coordinator for the graduate school (part-time) in the fall, and he loves the work and the increase in time he has with family.  We are able to see him during the day sometimes (like Boddhi Fridays), and he has breakfast and dinner with us most days.  He can do his work from home (which is nice), and he has discovered he is really talented in this field. Having more time also allowed him to make some changes to his eating habits.   He went on a juice fast, and began to exercise daily.  He tried out veganism for a while and lost nearly 40 lbs.  Although he has taken a holiday and new baby break from many of these changes, he will get back to them in the new year. 

Change of Schools for Mike

We were able to find a school that better reflects our values and goals (and her own) for Mike’s education (diversity, passion, creativity, critical thinking).  After an initial period of grief and resistance from Mike, she has adjusted beautifully.  She is diving into her passions (Latin and art) in a way she did not have the time or focus for at her former school.  I had to really trust my intuition on this one because she begged me daily to send her back.  We have always let Mike make her own decisions about where she wanted to go to school, but things were happening at that school that I just could not ignore, and I had to go with my gut.  I truly felt it would work out for the best in the long run, and it has.  She has made good friends (as she always does), and her teachers report that she is a quiet leader among students.  She is exploring her beliefs instead of just listening to lectures.  I am glad we made the decision, and I don’t regret it at all.  There are still improvements that can be made, but I hope that Dude, Mike and I can participate in making those changes in a school that has so much potential.

Birth & Baby Boy

On November 28, 2011 we got to meet the newest member of our family -- Tenzin Sudeshna.  I posted about the birth already, so I won’t go into all of that again.  I will say that we are enjoying every minute with him.  He is mostly quiet unless he needs something -- not a very fussy baby.  I am feeling more like myself every day.  Sadness and grief (about the end of pregnancy) is fading (those who have had babies will understand what I mean about this).  I am finding my groove with Tenzin -- anticipating his needs a little better everyday.  Dude and I are enjoying our baby-moon -- which has been unique and specific to our circumstances -- sometimes shared with others and sometimes intensely private.  It has all been exactly enough.  We have had time without Boddhi, time with Boddhi, time without older girls, time with older girls.  We have asked for what we needed and for the most part have received it.  So many people have been helpful to us -- meals and taking Boddhi places, help with cleaning and just enjoying our new little boy. 

This birth and baby-moon have added to our marriage as well.  Dude and I have been best friends since the day we met (maybe before that even).  We know each other really well (and are very much alike).  We have been together nearly 10 years (married nearly 9).  It seemed like we could not possibly get any closer.  Adding a child often adds strain and changes the dynamics of a marriage, but so far it has added mostly love and happiness to ours.  This is our second child together.  We sort of stumbled through figuring things out all over again with Boddhi. But we are both more confident this time, and Dude seems to know exactly what is needed.   I love watching him fall in love with Tenzin.  Watching your spouse love your child adds a shade of romance that is so different and intoxicating- another shared love, shared experience, shared joy.  He is not only tender toward Tenzin (and our other children) but intuitively aware of what I need.  He had to leave for training 4 days after Boddhi was born, so our baby moon was cut short that time -- I think I am 10x more appreciative of him being here because of the pain of not having him here before.  I am so grateful for the time and enjoying every minute of sharing this with him (I am sure the oxytocin helps with this as well).

The above is just a sample of the events that made a big impact for 2011.  Overall the year went by much too quickly.  There were plenty of sad times in 2011, but overall, it was a really good year.  Things in general feel on track these days (not easier -- just headed in the direction that is best for our family).  We still fight, question ourselves, make bad decisions (as parents, partners, grown ups who pay bills etc.), but it feels good to know that we have looked (and continue to) at our lives critically asked the hard questions and made adjustments where they were needed. 

I envisioned doing more creative work with my mind (like writing) instead of my body, but it really turned out as it should.  I was way too hard on myself during the year for not meeting my own expectations, but I eventually settled into the reality of the way things needed to be and let go. There are things I am not proud of -- I was too rough with my words with the ones I love -- Mike, Dude and Boddhi.   Many things I want to continue to work on next year -- and I feel like I am set up to do that now.  I will post my goals for 2012 in the next week. 

Happy New Year to you all.  May 2012 be a year of happiness, steady growth, awareness and inner peace for all of us.