The fact that I even feel a need to write about any of this shows I am a little defensive, but that is my issue, and I will deal with it. 

There are so many things I want to say about this issue; let’s see if I can get it all out and make any sense at all.

An (older) article in the NY Times reposted on FB today has me fuming (linked below)

In Defense of the Imperfect Mother

The article discusses the book -- “Le Conflit: la femme et la mère” (“Conflict: The Woman and the Mother”) by Elizabeth Badinter. 

From the article: “Ms. Badinter argues that the idealism of “green” politics and a romanticized notion of naturalism are steering women away from careers and back into the home.  “A revolution has taken place in our conception of maternity, almost without our realizing it,” she writes. And that revolution, in Ms. Badinter’s view, has reduced women’s freedom and damaged their professional prospects.”

Ms. Badinter argues that “the baby has now become “the best ally of masculine domination.”

“But Ms. Badinter thinks that new social pressures are hard for many women to resist. The “green” mother, she says, is pushed to give birth at home, to refuse an epidural as the reflection of “a degenerated industrial civilization” that would deprive her of “an irreplaceable experience,” to breast-feed for both ethological and environmental reasons (plastic baby bottles) and to use washable rather than disposable diapers — in other words, to discard the inventions “that have liberated women.”

By using terms like “hard to resist” “pushed to” -- it seems to me that she is victimizing women.  We are all apparently so susceptible to societal trends that we cannot think for ourselves or decide what is best for our families, and if we do decide to stay at home, then we are damaging prospects for all women. 

Badinter argues that “ the way feminism has been evolving will lead it to a dangerous dead end. I continue to think that gender equality comes with sharing roles and duties.”

Who has given her the authority to define feminism?  She can define it for herself, but she can’t define it for me.  I think what she calls “green” parenting can be shared between moms and dads.  Even though I am the one who does not work outside the home, many of our duties here at home are shared -- all parenting duties, errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry.  The only task that cannot be shared is childbirth (and he caught our son with no midwife here yet) and breastfeeding (because I do not pump).

My vision for the future of feminism is more choices and better support for those choices (also less judgment of women by women). 

This article seems to just add ugliness to the already ugly mommy wars. 

An article posted on Salon yesterday made me a bit concerned about the affect of this mommy-to-mommy judgment:

Attachment Parenting Dropout

In this article, the author claims to have really wanted to take part in what Badinter would call “green mothering”, but was pushed out of the green-mommy circle by a particularly judgmental sanctimommy. 

My thoughts after reading this article are that this one sanctimommy does not define mothering for any of us.  She does not own attachment parenting, or breastfeeding or staying-at home.  We all own our choices.  We each define these things for ourselves, and we don’t need the approval of other moms in order to do what we think is best (although it would be nice to have less judgment flying around). 

We are all complex; we all make mistakes, and I believe we are all doing what we believe is best for our children. 

I don’t believe my choices are what is best for every mom (although I do want to share my story and my choices -- adding more information and my own perspective to the collective).  I want to present an authentic picture of my life though, and I am sure many times it is coated by the emotion of the moment which sometimes makes everything look perfect or terrible. 

My version of motherhood isn’t all or nothing.  I don’t eat all organic food.  I have a thing for Jack in the Box tacos.  I used disposable diapers for the first few weeks after my son was born, and I will use them when I travel or whenever I feel like it would be best.  I have not started using the washable wipes I made yet.  I am not always patient with my kids; I yell.  I curse.  Sometimes I lie in bed all day and let my son watch movie after movie. 

And that is ok. 

I also feel mommy guilt sometimes, but it does not come from outside of me.  There is no one in my circle telling me I am a bad mom -- only me, and that is an issue that only I can solve. 

I am a capable, intelligent, educated  woman who has had (and will have) many opportunities for career satisfaction.  I did not make my life  choices because I do not like working -- I do.  There are things I LOVE about working -- like helping students find literature that speaks to them, watching a young person grow as a writer, growing myself through watching them-- sharing the love of a good book with another, sharing writing in a community of writers, helping a teacher to love teaching again. 

My decisions were not necessarily easy decisions, but they were well thought out, researched, intuition tested decisions.  I am not a stereotype, and it is so irritating when I feel others reduce me to one decision (like staying at home, or cooking and baking, or home-birthing or breastfeeding).  I am a full, complete and complex human who is perfectly capable of making choices that are best for me. 

I have noticed that moms sometimes get offended by other moms choices (why do we do this?).  My life choice is not an indictment of yours.  Because I decide to stay home with my children does not mean I think working moms are wrong.  I don’t think women who birth in the hospital are wrong, or women who choose to take pain medication are wrong or women who choose to feed their babies formula are wrong. 

We each have to make the decisions that are best for us, and we also  (me included) need to respect other moms decisions.  I don’t know what is best for you.  I only know what is best for me.  I assume that you are just as capable of doing research and running information through your own intuition to come up with a choice that works best for you.  We don’t need to stereotype each other or judge each other to feel better about ourselves (this actually does not make us feel better does it?)

I feel happiest when I refrain from judgment (which I don’t always do). 

Don’t be offended by my life choices -- radical homemaking, unschooling, greenish parenting, breastfeeding, homebirth, buddhist thought -- they are not an indictment of your life.  In a free society, there is room for us all. 

Any definition of modern feminism should include freedom of choice in all areas of one’s life.  True equality means choice (real choice! my choice, your choice). 

Let it be.

--Sadge