6.5 weeks since giving birth;  I am feeling a rhythm again -- a new one. 

I get to bed around 11:30 each night (sometimes later if I have taken a nap that day) -- after the boys have gone to sleep -- big brother Boddhi in his corner on our floor, and Tenzin right by my side, pressed up against my chest. 

Dude and I close our door, and spend some time talking.  He tells me about classes he is taking, folks at school, reads me a poem he likes (or hates) from class.  Sometimes we watch a movie, and I fall asleep after the first five minutes.  Tenzin wakes up around 1:30 -- then again at 3:30, 5:30, 7:30 and so on. 

Some days I get up around 8AM (dishes and laundry preventing my return to rest).  Others I stay in bed until 10:30 or so-- completely unaware of time --sleeping, feeding, turning on a show for Boddhi. 

I don’t usually know what day it is or even what time it is.  My day is marked by baby feedings, Boddhi’s meals and activities, and trying to feed myself and keep up with chores. 

When I get up, I try to grab something to eat (quickly)-- usually a smoothie-- before the baby wants to eat.  Dude has usually already made something for Boddhi to eat.  I often eat while feeding the baby, making lists of tasks for the day in my head.  Boddhi has been eating on my floor while watching Curious George, Redwall or Airbender on Netflix. 

Some days are spent in bed most of the day -- those when Tenzin just wants to nurse.  I turn on a movie for Boddhi and I, or we read books in between feedings. 

Other days I get so much done.  I wake up to starting a load of diapers, emptying the dishwasher and setting things right for the day -- then back to the bed for a feeding, up again to change the laundry, set Boddhi up with his paints, pick up my room, browse FB and blogs, another feeding. 

I am learning so much about myself these days.  I am listening to what I need, and some days I do a good job of following through with that. 

I enjoy setting my house right in the evenings before bed and getting it set up in the mornings.  It is quiet, and I like the feeling of putting things right again after letting them go all day long.  I can let Boddhi make a mess some days, and others I feel really frustrated by messes. 

I am learning and listening.  I realize I get uptight about chores most often when we have company  -- possibly afraid I will become overwhelmed in a mess I can’t make right.  I am working on trying to let this go and just enjoy the time I have with visitors. 

As the days of 2012 unfold, I don’t have a word or a list of goals -- just some thoughts about what I want to notice and be mindful of this year. 

I want to notice when my emotions get really intense (like when Boddhi breaks something or makes a mess of something I have just cleaned).  I have found that counting helps (sometimes to ten sometimes much higher).  These are the times when I tend to lose control of my words, letting mean and hurtful statements flow out.  

I want to notice when I am feeling obsessive about something -- like keeping my house perfectly clean all day long, running around after people wiping counters, loading dishes, putting up tooth brushes and toys and getting more and more annoyed and irritated. 

I want to notice the thoughts behind the emotions I am feeling (like resentment or irritation).  I want to acknowledge them and move on to what is behind them (neglect of self-care, non-assertiveness etc.). 

I want to notice how I feel when I eat, good and bad -- or exercise and make decisions according to what feels right in the moment (sometimes that piece of cake is what feels right )and let go of all the self-hate and judgment that accompanies many of my decisions and actions. 

As I write this I am thinking an appropriate word for the year would be RELAX.  In all that I do.  A perfect lesson beginning with a hypnobirth that allowed me to do just that.  Things flow more freely when I relax, they happen with less effort and struggle.

As I was making dinner the other night (with Boddhi), I kept feeling my stress level rise when he would make a mistake, or when the baby would cry or while trying to multitask the meal, and I just noticed it and then brought myself back to calm -- a new accomplishment for me. 

I do feel so much more relaxed as a mom generally.  I don’t feel that same anxiety that I had after Boddhi’s birth (worrying about so many little things and dreading the endless night).  Dude is an awesome dad (and not traveling 6 days a week this time), so of course that helps, but I am also a different kind of mom, and that is affecting the way I parent Boddhi and Mike as well.  I love the way each birth destroys the old life you had before and creates room for a new you.  Pregnancy is that weird transitional state, where I feel kind of stuck between two realities -- moving forward but in an inward, still and slow kind of way. 

I am coming out of that full force, with energy and movement and growth every day -- but plenty of stillness and quiet as well. 

More aware with each child of impermanence-- I have embraced each day fully, grieved the loss of it at the end -- waking again to face the morning with joy.  More aware each day that my babies are more beautiful and so different than they were the day before (how joyful) and also that yesterday is gone forever, not to be repeated .

How rich and complex our lives are.  I hope I continue to be mindful of this as 2012 continues to unfold. 

Wishing you all a full life -- happiness  -- embracing and letting go each day. 

-- Sadge